Where do I start? I'm so conflicted with these thoughts that I can't even put them down in words. There's just too many things that mere words could never fully justify how I really feel. So, I resort to my oldest friend; silence. Tell myself that soon it will all pass. Soon... I guess its easier to run away than face the music. Aint it?
It's funny how many post drafts I even have. Nothing I write seems good enough to truly bring honesty to the matter important to me. Or used to be...I guess you expected me to rant about this sooner or later? Yes, I noticed you.
I thought I'll never have to say this but friendship is so complicated. It never knows what it wants, never settles for just anything and most of all its conditional. You can never truly just be friends with anyone these days. Its a shame really.
You're probably reading this now and I can't stop you. Truth be told, I'm never gonna be able to please you. I can never give you what you want and I guess I noticed that you cant either. And I know your probably angry at me, you're not wrong but you're not right either. So, being upset isn't going to solve anything, nor is being blatant or bitter. Lashing out at me won't get you anywhere. I think you know that.
For the first time, I'm all out of words. You should be happy knowing for once you left me speechless. I know my faults, my weaknesses. I'm trying to change but somethings are just hard to ever change. I hope you understand. I guess I hoped you would.
And you, I guess 10 years of friendship don't mean a thing if its so hard for you to share the simplest of things with me. I was the fool to think we were close. Stupid me. But I'll keep my word no more annoying self of mine, I promise. As for you, the fact that you can't even talk about your past makes me question what a relationship would be like. Who would you imagine I be...your secret? Or the fact that you prefer not meeting my friends? You tell me.
So you do what you must. What ever it takes...but don't turn it on me. Don't make this my choice, it never was. If you think its best for you then be man about it and don't make me the excuse. Though you may not believe this but I always want whats best for you. Just so you know, I don't think you're helping yourself.
And you, friendship doesn't automatically mean FWB privileges..especially not with me. A NO does not mean I'm playing hard to get. It simply means I'm not interested. Being single doesn't necessarily make me available. I seriously think you need help.
As for you, I guess I never saw you as you would have liked me too. I'm probably a hypocrite in my own ways. I always had this ideal image of how things would be but I never accepted the fact that we are two different individuals. Truth is, I'm afraid to because some how I think our personalities would clash. I guess that's why I never had the guts. To me, you'll always be my 'what if'.
What is friendship? I think somewhere along the line it lost its true meaning. I wish I was back at 6 when friendship didn't seem so difficult. Back when we were just foolish kids who knew nothing more then swings, innocent kisses and unconditional friendship. I miss us then. I guess I was a fool to expect the smallest of things; friendship. I shouldn't have expected anything at all.
i miss us...messy haired, huge glasses & elf ears
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