Sacrificing in vain...

I came home to find closed doors, a darkened house and glancing up at the clock I note that it's only 11.30pm. Though its no surprise to me as that's how my house always looks like after 11 or sometimes even after 10. Today though, it reminded me of something familiar, or rather someone...me. Closed, darkened...one could mistake me for a shadow any day. Sigh.

The Lenten season started a few weeks earlier and with all the buzz going around about sacrifices and penance-making. I thought why not sacrifice something really hard, something I've been struggling with, something that takes a lot of effort...And, I'm glad that I made that attempt. Its sure better than nothing.

Sad truth is, I'm failing...badly. If there is an F in Sacrificing then I would have got it too many times already. I guess you never realise how hard sacrificing is until you do it yourself. Sometimes I feel like I'm sacrificing just for the sake of it and that's not right. I'm suppose to make that effort, to push myself to be better...but sometimes all I want to do is give in. Its owh so easy to just give in...

Sometimes I wish God would give us direct answers to all our questions; gives us the words to speak, tell us what to do... But then I think to myself, would we necessarily want to follow everything God tells us? Most of the time we're stubborn, self-centered individuals who think we're always right. Well that's me, guilty as charged. I guess that's one of the reasons God gave us this huge freedom.

I get so envious of others sometimes. Why does it seem so easy for them while I have to struggle with this problem? It kills me sometimes to think about it or even the mere mention of it. I just don't know what to do anymore... Sometimes I just wanna give up...

Process. Fail. Break. Wake. Reset. Love. Life. Live.
I'm still trying to...