Strength please...

 It gives us the idea of a man suffering shipwreck. The vessel in which he has been sailing has sunk. He has been plunged into the mighty ocean; and there he is buffeting the waves, struggling for life, panting for breath, and just about to give up all for lost. Suddenly he discovers a rock towering above him. If he can but climb up to the top of it, and get sure footing upon it, the billows will not be able to reach him, and he will be safe.

Fountain Elwin, 1842

I stumbled upon this verse while browsing the endless, random updates on Facebook and it grabbed at me. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I was terribly overwhelmed that very moment or perhaps I'm at a point in life where contemplating my next course of action has overwhelmed me.

In short; (whispers) I'm lost.

Been reading more lately since I have all this time on my hands. I guess it's a consolation to know that I don't go through this situation alone. So many 25 year olds have been in the very same situation and have survived! Perhaps I could draw strength from that?

I look at my peers and I feel like a failure again and again. What have I got to shout about? What can I proudly talk about? People talk about progressing, moving forward, taking life by the horns...but I just feel stuck. I look at better job prospects and the constant thought enters my mine - I'm not good enough. I want more for my relationships but am I worthy of it? Confidence - I wish I had you!

I'm still weary and afraid. I need STRENGTH...pleading for it earnestly.

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. Psalms 69

Sweet nothing...

Listening to: Ellie Goulding - Wish I Stayed

 

I've never looked forward to October for many years now..mostly because it's the month I reflect on my life especially when the 12th arrives. At 24, I'm nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot to be thankful for but I guess we all have expectations of where we hope to be at a certain age. It's the time of the year, I think back and regret overwhelms me. A friend told me it's okay to be open so here's me letting you in my foolish thoughts.

I question God often these days. Am I not worth it? Don't I deserve some happiness? Has life truly become so meaningless? Lately I feel so disappointed, betrayed even. I've held back for years, kept myself..hoping for the best...played by the freakin rules. He's brought me so close and just when I finally allow myself to lay my fingers on it, He takes it away from me. If this is meant to be humourous, God, this time I refuse to laugh. 

Being the fool that I am, I'm still holding on to...nothing. I want to scream, I'm so angry yet can't help feel so used and downright stupid. I actually thought I was worth it. So silly. 

My birthday wish this year is the courage to move on, look ahead and try to be a happier me. And I hope You'll make it easier on this fool. I hope I'm deserving of atleast that.

happy birthday fool 

Confessions of...she

She didn't need words yesterday nor did she need any poison to soothe her. I wish I could tell you, she just needed you to hold her and tell her it'll all be fine, lie even if you have to. But where were you...fuck you! I hate you for this..Where are you? Where?

Hate is a strong word but I really hate you. Over the years, its been easier to just hate you. Most of the time it's the only thing I can do...

I wonder sometimes if the only thing I am to you is a joke. Another opportunity to break the girl who always seems so sad. What do you want from me? I want to tell you how fragile I really am, how fragile you make me and how this 'ego' I have is the only strengh I have in me. How can I when all I am is a joke?

I'm tired of listening to how tough you have it, how difficult life has been, how my problems are nothing to yours..It's always about you..I'm just tired..do you seriously think everthing has been all roses and sunshine for me? Really? Skrew you! So don't ask me if I'm fine...I'm not. Let's just leave things at that.

I wanna tell you that I'm scared. Boy, I might be a coward to all things supernatural but really, what I fear is reality. I watched Revolutionary Road and I'm downright scared because I'm fearful that it just might become reality...Damn, I wish you were here again..sighs. 

Leave me alone, please. Thanks.

Picking up the pieces...

Listening to: Cameron Mitchell - You could be happy

I should really call this a monthly blog. My postings have become so few and far between that sometimes I wonder if I should even go on. For now I guess I still have a few more words in me, so till then I'll keep writing.

It's funny and yet cruel how life has certainty been a bitch! Juggling two jobs, RYM, sunday school, church, friends..is no easy business. I'm ever so exhausted from work and even weekends are starting to lose their meaning. Right now the only consolation of being employed is the paycheck at the end of every month, aside from the lower workload that came with Ramadan. (which I am thankful for.)

I look at the four of us, each slowly but surely heading to different paths. Gosh, we surely never thought this would be the future. We're definitely trying our best to work through the distance and problems to keep this relationship strong, I'm glad for that. One thing I pray for is that He binds our paths - that no matter how distinct they may be, they'll always intertwine. I couldn't bear losing you gurls...I hope I never do.

Over the years, I admit I've lost quite a few friends. But really, if having these friends mean you have to try so hard to fit in or perhaps even exist, then is it worth it? I'm glad for this great handful I have and although few, we are strongly knitted..that's surely a rare find.

The past months have been a rush with work commitments and most importantly RYM whilst making sure I have 'me' time which mostly means retail therapy..lol. Shopping although is utterly enjoyable has become somewhat dangerous especially now that I'm earning. Some how being employed seems to make it okay to splurge more every now and then..lol. Really bad, I know!

Now for the juicy bits. The scandals, relationships, boys...lol. Errmm, well I don't think I have much of an update for that...lol. But I guess it's okay. Attended the recent RYM 'First Love' camp and it really helped me come to terms with my current situation. Looking past the perceptions of the world and peer pressure, it's more than okay to be single! I enjoy it, I love being inclusive rather than exclusive and most of all, I have the luxury and time to do God's work...which I love. I think, this is the best time for me to find true friendship especially in boys and hopefully learn to trust them and perhaps break down my walls when the right one comes along.

Till then, I'm gonna enjoy being single!(sings Cameron's 'Love Can Wait For Me')
ps. enjoy them photos!:)

my fun colleagues & ex-colleagues

RYM camp participants, all 50 of us! (nice t-shirts?)

Got bullied as usual...thanks, boys

This poor boy got his underwear stolen at camp. Srsly...(tho he does look happy about it) LOL

The RYM family - we are not perfect but I love you guys nonetheless.

I miss us... I miss Sundays, I miss our silly jokes, I miss our drunken adventures, I miss rides in your car...*come back, sygs!*;(

Can you make it all better?

Gonna need a whole lot to calm her down today.

Missing you more than ever.

Wish you were here.

wish you were here

Give me strength...

Listening to: Blackbird - Cameron Mitchell (cover)

Messed things up. Crap. I'm glad you're acting as if nothing happened when really I'm trying to avoid you. Sighs, I'm sorry. Guess I've always been good at running away.

What are we doing? Boy, what is this? I want to give up this time, call it quits. For something that seems so simple to others, seems the hardest for me. This time I think these walls are just unbreakable. I'm sorry, hopefully I'll have the courage to tell you soon.

Perhaps this is who I am. Perhaps this part of myself is unchangeable. Everyone has a plan in life, I guess this one just isn't for me. I'm not going to blame You for it instead I hope You give me the strength to live out this life and in time learn to love again.

I'm sorry, please give me time...

Avoiding the very thought of you...

Please don't make me miss you yet again. I really don't need this, not today.

Sigh, i miss you.