Broken...

It's funny how I thought about you just moments ago amidst the hectic schedules, the numerous expectations..with the plectrum in hand. Other than your friendship, I guess I've never told you how grateful I am for this small but significant gift. In many ways, I am completely dependable upon this tiny object though how silly it may sound. I think about the numerous occasions where I've almost lost it, left it behind, lent it and after all this years I still have it very much intact. I think most importantly, it's the remnants of what became of us and how much you used to care - that you believed in my talent way before I even did.

This post, by far seems out of place with my lack of writing and the abandoned state of my blog but really even if I explained the recent events of my life...would you believe me? Sometimes I look back and think, "Is this really happening?". Life just seems so surreal and very much out of my controlling power. I wonder what you would think of me now if you only knew...and I try imagine how you've been all this while and the person you've grown into. But most importantly, I hope your content with life and that it has treated you well.

I hold the plectrum in hand now, as I type these words. I shudder at the thought that I'll never use it again and I'll never have you in mind or feel the same ounce of confidence that little object some how transferred unto me. That's pretty much me being all desperate and very much exaggerating...but yeah, I guess that's how I feel. Perhaps it's a sign that I really have to put this behind for the sake of the both of us.

I think back and even to this day, I think you never truly understood the person that I am. I try to hide my disappointment but I guess I can't blame you for thinking of me so. I wasn't that girl then, and I'm not that girl now...that much hasn't change. I wish you knew that. I had my reasons for my actions and no, I didn't do it because of anyone else.

If I could have one thing back, I yearn for our friendship. More than anything, more that the relationship, more that the distance, that simple F word that you hate, meant the most to me. It's a shame that after all these years, it's the one thing we've withheld from each other. I think we only have ourselves to blame.

Sure you may think regret has got the best of me, or perhaps I'm getting what I deserve but I had reasons for my actions, that much I don't regret. I guess what I really wanted to say is that I miss you..and albeit my silence and non-existence, I've always cared. And though it may be hard for you to accept this, but the one thing I truly fell in love with is our friendship; the late night chats, the silly messages, the lame jokes, the annoying teasing...and just how much we relied on these simplistic gifts to get us through the mess called life.

I'm sorry for the late posting...I wonder if you noticed