Acceptance...

I wonder if anyone else shares this same feeling I get every time I'm back from a church camp. This beaming, 'nothing can bring me down' feeling. It's as if your defenses are at its highest. If I were a spaceship, you could say my shields would be impenetrable, my force fields would be so strong that radiation from the sun, cosmic rays or even the typical black hole would be nothing compared to it. But of course, I would have to be in Star Trek in order for this to be possible...hehe.

I guess what I'm saying is camps have this profound effect on me. You spend the weekend away from the world, away from worries, away from your routine life. It's amazing how being away from life makes all the difference. How suddenly life seems manageable, how problems you thought were big seem insignificant and small and how much more in tune you are with yourself.

I've been to so many camps in the past...I guess I should rephrase that..I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity. There's always something different that I take back from each. This time I guess camp opened my eyes to struggles I carried but of which I never took time to acknowledge. Perhaps in my eyes I saw them as insignificant or rather I thought ignoring them would help make the burden lighter. I guess that didn't work.

I would normally just brush them aside. In my eyes, how can someone who has no severe health problems, no deformities, no huge family issues, financially stable, normal in most ways call this little worries - problems. I look at Nick Vujicic and I tear wondering what the hell is wrong with me. He may be disabled, incapable of so many things but as a person he is so much more capable, perhaps even more whole than I am. I admire his confidence and his joy for life.

I guess the most significant struggle I face is acceptance. Accepting ones self. It's probably one I've been struggling with for almost as long as I can remember. Gosh, this blog is getting too personal..hehe. It's funny but sometimes I pray to be normal just like everyone else. Perhaps have an average sense of confidence, or even act like most others or may be not stumble in my words every now and then. I feel silly now looking back. What is normal anyways?

Camp enlightened me to my own faults but mostly the thought of 'Am I doing enough?'. This is not one of those,"What am I leaving behind in this world?" or "Owh, what would people say about me when I'm dead?". No, no..hehe. I would be happy to die without a eulogy. I'm glad my family doesn't practice it. But I guess it's a personal thought.

Am I doing enough as a child?
Do I appreciate my family enough? Have I let my parents down?
Am I doing enough for my friends?
Do I genuinely care? Have I been there for them?
Am I doing enough at work?
Have I put in enough effort? Have I put in any thought to moving forward in work?
Am I putting in enough in my faith?
Have I really put my whole body and soul to search for God? Do I really know my faith well? or do I wait for others to question me and tear me down when I can't stand up for it?

Am I doing enough in life? Am I?

No. Disappointing much but true. I don't really know where to start in mending all these areas. I don't even know if I can. I guess the first step is accepting me. I know I'm going to most definitely fail..but for You, I'll try. I'll try.

Failure is not important, how you overcome it is...
Nick Vujicic