Holiday from real

Listening to : The Only Exception by Paramore

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...hehe. Well actually their not but I love singing it anyways. The thought of actually packing and leaving on a holiday with friends seems unreal right now. And not just any holiday but one that was fully paid, (yes I'm proud to say) by me, myself and I.

Going to Singapore for the weekend may not seem like much but I'm quite excited about it. I like Singapore amidst all the dissing I got about it. I'll just have to see the place for myself I guess. I can't wait to catch Paramore live. I remember going crazy over them when Misery Business first came out. And I even remember signing up a petition to get them to come down to Singapore a few years back (remember, Audrey??). The concert is gonna be awesome, for sure. Hayley's voice is to die for. Can't wait!

Planning a holiday is not funny at all. Its quite a lot of work even if its just a weekend trip. There's still loads of things to be done and still loads of things unsettled, mishaps here and there. Hopefully things work out just in time (prays hard*). Though it looks like we might have to find our way around Singapore much on our own, I guess I'm kinda excited about that as well. God knows my life need some excitement..I do foresee us getting lost though..hehe.

A holiday would do us good. A temporary escape from reality. That's what I need for sure. Sigh. I owe it to myself to not think about things while there and that's exactly what I'm gonna try to do. fingers crossed*

Though I hope our paths cross,
but don't ask me, I'd lie...

Swings, kisses, friendship...

Listening to: Darren Ashley - Huff Puff

Where do I start? I'm so conflicted with these thoughts that I can't even put them down in words. There's just too many things that mere words could never fully justify how I really feel. So, I resort to my oldest friend; silence. Tell myself that soon it will all pass. Soon... I guess its easier to run away than face the music. Aint it?

It's funny how many post drafts I even have. Nothing I write seems good enough to truly bring honesty to the matter important to me. Or used to be...I guess you expected me to rant about this sooner or later? Yes, I noticed you.

I thought I'll never have to say this but friendship is so complicated. It never knows what it wants, never settles for just anything and most of all its conditional. You can never truly just be friends with anyone these days. Its a shame really.

You're probably reading this now and I can't stop you. Truth be told, I'm never gonna be able to please you. I can never give you what you want and I guess I noticed that you cant either. And I know your probably angry at me, you're not wrong but you're not right either. So, being upset isn't going to solve anything, nor is being blatant or bitter. Lashing out at me won't get you anywhere. I think you know that.

For the first time, I'm all out of words. You should be happy knowing for once you left me speechless. I know my faults, my weaknesses. I'm trying to change but somethings are just hard to ever change. I hope you understand. I guess I hoped you would.

And you, I guess 10 years of friendship don't mean a thing if its so hard for you to share the simplest of things with me. I was the fool to think we were close. Stupid me. But I'll keep my word no more annoying self of mine, I promise. As for you, the fact that you can't even talk about your past makes me question what a relationship would be like. Who would you imagine I be...your secret? Or the fact that you prefer not meeting my friends? You tell me.

So you do what you must. What ever it takes...but don't turn it on me. Don't make this my choice, it never was. If you think its best for you then be man about it and don't make me the excuse. Though you may not believe this but I always want whats best for you. Just so you know, I don't think you're helping yourself.

And you, friendship doesn't automatically mean FWB privileges..especially not with me. A NO does not mean I'm playing hard to get. It simply means I'm not interested. Being single doesn't necessarily make me available. I seriously think you need help.

As for you, I guess I never saw you as you would have liked me too. I'm probably a hypocrite in my own ways. I always had this ideal image of how things would be but I never accepted the fact that we are two different individuals. Truth is, I'm afraid to because some how I think our personalities would clash. I guess that's why I never had the guts. To me, you'll always be my 'what if'.

What is friendship? I think somewhere along the line it lost its true meaning. I wish I was back at 6 when friendship didn't seem so difficult. Back when we were just foolish kids who knew nothing more then swings, innocent kisses and unconditional friendship. I miss us then. I guess I was a fool to expect the smallest of things; friendship. I shouldn't have expected anything at all.

i miss us...messy haired, huge glasses & elf ears

Let's play truths...

Listening to: Something Corporate - Konstantine

The truth is I've never been any good at this,
I'm always the lamest one in the lot,
Reason being theres' nothing I've got hiding thats' worth any attention.

Truth is I miss who you used to be,
I miss your sincerity and selflessness,
Most of all, I miss our friendship,
But I guess thats unfair of me considering I've changed too
I guess change is the only constant..

Truth is I'm scared to talk to you,
I'm scared of feeling dejected..
Because thats' how you make me feel..

Truth is I wish you didn't make all these promises,
Because deep down I wish you'd fulfil every one of them
Though however impossible they may be.

Truth is I'd love to spend time with you,
Instead I make up excusses.
Because the truth is sometimes I'd rather be alone
Than let you see me this way.

Truth is I want to let you go,
And in some ways I think I have,
Just that in all other ways I'm still desperately holding on...

Its always been YOU...

I don't know how you do it. How you can take this broken down self of mine and make me feel whole again. How you make the simplest things touch me and heal me again and again. So, thank you. Thank you for making me feel worthy to stand in your midst. For always giving me a reason to live when the world gives me none. And for the times I feel defeated, you give me the strengh to touch someone elses' heart. Thank you my Lord, my Lover & Friend...

sore and physically defeated but so in-love with YOU...

Never easy being the enemy...

I'm so tired. So exhausted that my eyes look teary and swollen like I've been crying the whole day. I should probably think of bed and trust me thats' what my body is telling me. But my mind just won't have it. I may be physically drained but emotionally I'm on a mission. " I will not sleep until I have this out of my chest".

I wonder why people do the things they do. Maybe I should re-word that. Why do people who supposedly care for you, love you or take you as their friend, do the things they do.

It's something I can never understand. How someone can belittle another person or say or do things just to spite the other. All the while, supposedly 'being friends'. Theres' a saying that a person belittles another just so they can feel whole. Well maybe that could be it, but wheres' your conscience in that, if you know it's a friend you're hurting? Or perhaps you weren't a friend to begin with?

It's this little dilemmas that make me hate growing up. I still don't understand how enemies can emerge like mushrooms after a rain shower especially when all you ever did was care for the other. What makes you an enemy then? because things didn't go their way, because they expected more? I'm still trying to figure that out.

I've never been outspoken or extraordinary. In most groups, I would gladly just fade into the background. I don't expect to be treated special or even be the main attention of the group. All I ever want is to enjoy the company of the people around me. Try to be as best of a friend as I can be. Some probably think I sound like a fake. Boo hoo...it's my freakin blog!!!!

God, how do I be the grown up in this situation when all I want is to have none of this. How do I put up with this any longer? All I want to do is leave this part of my life, walk away and act as if it never existed. But how can I? Doing so would only hurt friends of whom have been nothing but good to me.

So what do I do instead? I give you a smile, say its nice to see you. And even after you hurt me, i say take care, see you soon. All the while, I'm hoping I save no grudges against you or that I don't sound unsincere in my words. I act the fool, as if I am so stupid, or slow to catch or know what you're doing to me. God only knows how much longer I can take your crap!

A little photo update...

Was itching to do some painting so I jumped at the chance to design a poster for dad's BEC thingy. Basically, the task was to design a poster that reflected on the BEC community of my area. So this is what i came up with. The effect isnt as nice since it was done on manila cardboard. Had no choice since I was stuck in Kedah and my parents were too lazy to drive to a proper art store..:(.

Yes, I know I forgot to draw the lines on the palm!:s

Rationale:

The big heart basically represents the whole community and it is thus made of many individuals; smaller hearts. The hands lifting or holding it up represents God.

As individuals we may be different and unique in our own ways but in a community we beat as one heart with God as our guide.

I'm merely a puppet....

Listening to: Zee Avi - First of the gang

If I was a puppet held by thin, invisible strings, I wonder who my master would be. I refuse to believe it is You. You wouldn't leave me troubled, nor make life seem so unmanagable till I feel pushed to the edge. You wouldnt forsake me...

God, where am I? Where am I heading to? I feel so disconnected, so unbound like gravity has no effect on me and I'm floating endlessly. I search for stability within me but all I'm left with are these unanswered questions.

Everthing feels like a blurr; days, months, faces, places. I'm merely a stranger looking into a life thats' not mine. Sleepless nights are to be blamed for this I guess (I hope...).

How am I to be there for you when I'm in a mess myself? How am I to wear this smile when all I feel is the opposite? How am I suppose to be the shoulder you cry on when I'm aching on the inside? I've never been much of a friend. Never had the right words to say nor knew how to comfort you if ever you reached out for me. Neither am I calm and collected as how I would seem. On the inside, I'm panicked stricken and doubtful.. I'm a walking catastrophe....

Do you have enough love for the both of us?