Of letting go & moving on...

Saw my long, over-the-bra length hair one last time before heading off to the hairdressers. Guess my mind already knew I was getting a few inches off my hair, the next time I take a look at it in the mirror.

Not many people know how troubled I get every time I cut my hair even to the extend of tearing when the hairdresser gets a little too scissor-friendly. Perhaps, it's one of the numerous weird antics I have. But then again, everyone's weird..one way or the other...I'm just pretty obvious most of the time..:s

Small talk aside, I guess even a small, insignificant thing like a hair cut needs some getting used to. But more importantly, whether we like it or not, or perhaps whether we accept it or despise it, sometimes we are left with no choice but to move on. Some things are just out of our control.

I guess I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with how things have turned out, even more so as 2010 comes to a close. Some of which seemed simple, uncomplicated before have clearly turned into the complete opposite. Letting go seems like the only option now. I find myself questioning these circumstances, refusing to give in to the reality. Guess, I'm only fooling myself.

With Christmas close at hand, I hope these next few days away from work and home gives me time to clear my head and make the right decisions. But most of all, help me come to terms with the mess that is year 2010.

So here's me wishing everyone a blessed and joyous Christmas. I hope you'll let Christ find a home in your hearts this 25th.

Btw, presents are more than welcome..Thank you in advance. Muaxx:)

PS: RYMers are having a Christmas party. If you're free on the 26, give Alan a call and come join in the fun!

Acceptance...

I wonder if anyone else shares this same feeling I get every time I'm back from a church camp. This beaming, 'nothing can bring me down' feeling. It's as if your defenses are at its highest. If I were a spaceship, you could say my shields would be impenetrable, my force fields would be so strong that radiation from the sun, cosmic rays or even the typical black hole would be nothing compared to it. But of course, I would have to be in Star Trek in order for this to be possible...hehe.

I guess what I'm saying is camps have this profound effect on me. You spend the weekend away from the world, away from worries, away from your routine life. It's amazing how being away from life makes all the difference. How suddenly life seems manageable, how problems you thought were big seem insignificant and small and how much more in tune you are with yourself.

I've been to so many camps in the past...I guess I should rephrase that..I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity. There's always something different that I take back from each. This time I guess camp opened my eyes to struggles I carried but of which I never took time to acknowledge. Perhaps in my eyes I saw them as insignificant or rather I thought ignoring them would help make the burden lighter. I guess that didn't work.

I would normally just brush them aside. In my eyes, how can someone who has no severe health problems, no deformities, no huge family issues, financially stable, normal in most ways call this little worries - problems. I look at Nick Vujicic and I tear wondering what the hell is wrong with me. He may be disabled, incapable of so many things but as a person he is so much more capable, perhaps even more whole than I am. I admire his confidence and his joy for life.

I guess the most significant struggle I face is acceptance. Accepting ones self. It's probably one I've been struggling with for almost as long as I can remember. Gosh, this blog is getting too personal..hehe. It's funny but sometimes I pray to be normal just like everyone else. Perhaps have an average sense of confidence, or even act like most others or may be not stumble in my words every now and then. I feel silly now looking back. What is normal anyways?

Camp enlightened me to my own faults but mostly the thought of 'Am I doing enough?'. This is not one of those,"What am I leaving behind in this world?" or "Owh, what would people say about me when I'm dead?". No, no..hehe. I would be happy to die without a eulogy. I'm glad my family doesn't practice it. But I guess it's a personal thought.

Am I doing enough as a child?
Do I appreciate my family enough? Have I let my parents down?
Am I doing enough for my friends?
Do I genuinely care? Have I been there for them?
Am I doing enough at work?
Have I put in enough effort? Have I put in any thought to moving forward in work?
Am I putting in enough in my faith?
Have I really put my whole body and soul to search for God? Do I really know my faith well? or do I wait for others to question me and tear me down when I can't stand up for it?

Am I doing enough in life? Am I?

No. Disappointing much but true. I don't really know where to start in mending all these areas. I don't even know if I can. I guess the first step is accepting me. I know I'm going to most definitely fail..but for You, I'll try. I'll try.

Failure is not important, how you overcome it is...
Nick Vujicic

Where do we go from here....

Listening to: The Scientist - Coldplay

Left the blog vacant for a bit..again. Sigh, I guess life really takes a toll on you. I guess I can't say I haven't had much time in front of the computer, but rather I've had plenty. I can't also say I've been busy with work because lately work has been treating me well. The only excuse I can put together is that I've been so utterly lazy. Then again who isn't.

I recently watched an episode of One Tree Hill..Yes, the show is still on for the eight season. Episode 8.08 kinda put this question to me, "What comes next?". And it seriously got me thinking..Shit, I don't have an answer to that.

I'm past being a teenager, I'm done with my studies, I've got a job..so what comes next? Where am I heading towards? Where do I see myself in the future? I guess it's not surprising that I don't have the answer to either one of these questions.

I've heard so many comments from friends, lamenting about how hard studying is, how stressful assignments can get, how exams are just about the worst thing one can go through..but I can't help but be envious. I might sound silly, but I like being a student. I like knowing that I've got time to figure things out. That I can work harder the next time, or do things differently every time I fail.

I guess when you're out there in the world, life hardly gives you second chances or perhaps 'trial rounds'. You are judged as soon as you make the tiniest of mistakes or if you don't perform up to the given standard. And somehow your failure will be what most will expect of you in the future. It's scary and nerve-recking all at the same time.

Same goes for relationships. At first everything looks hopeful, things are simple and uncomplicated but after awhile the honeymoon is over and the real relationship surfaces - the problems of dealing with one another, tolerating each others' wants and needs, coming to terms with decisions each one has made...coping with regrets and past actions. Before you know it your view of your partner changes and vice versa. At first you don't notice this but sooner or later, changes become evident. Suddenly you find yourself hating qualities you first fell in love with in that person. It's sad but so true.

So what comes next?
What comes next when you don't see a future?
What comes next if you've discovered the limit to your talent?
What comes next when you have to move on and let him go?
What comes next when relationships, when friendship isn't fulfilling?

What is your next move? I guess we fickle-minded, complicated mortals just have to move on. Pick ourselves up and just hope for the best. That what ever choice we should decide to make will eventually lead to a better, more secure outcome. That what ever relationships we let go of, will eventually lead to newer and closer ties with others. That what ever love we lose, we earn back..stronger and lasting. Well that's what I hope for as November comes to an end and I have one more month left before 2010 closes on me. And I hope for my sake, I find the answers to these questions...

Introducing...Midnight Revolution

I suppose everyone has a list of things they plan to do or achieve before they leave earth. Some of us have even had the list planned out since we were kids, even took the time to jot it down on paper and save it so as to check on it from time to time. For some of us, we're made mental notes, our personal list of aspirations and dreams, frequently changing as we progress with age. And for some of us, well we've thought about making that list...but perhaps never really sat down to think it through. I guess I fall into the second category - the semi-lazy category I suppose..hehe

You see I've always had the urge to push myself to do something I know I would never do. It used to be easier to trick myself into doing these things when I was a kid but now that I'm much older I try my best to stay on the safe side - do the norm & avoid taking risks. But I guess I've always had this need to prove that I could do it one day..just didn't know that one day would come so soon.

I guess this thing I'm talking about is performing..and not just playing the guitar, I think that wouldn't be much of a challenge but really performing with the whole band scenario, instruments and actually daring to face an audience with my amateur, timid voice. Lucky for me, the perfect opportunity arose and I still can't imagine why I said yes without much hesitation. I do think I freaked out a little everyday. Facing a crowd of 500 people including my parents, students and closest friends is nerve-recking. I guess I felt more sympathetic for them because they were forced to hear my voice whether they liked it or not...hehe.

My bandmates were great. Alan; who first pulled me in, really got his act together which to most of us can seem pretty surprising..knowing Alan. We had so many practices that we hardly had any jitters as our performance day got close. And Devon..well his voice pretty much says it all..He practically carried the band when it came to our vocals. I love his harmonizing..(i'm so jealous) I dare say this guy is going far with his talent.

For a whole week, we got really serious. We practiced till our hands were sore, voices were strained, we had the lyrics almost memorized..hehe but what we didn't have was a name. You could imagine all the silly, corny names we came up with..Alan keep insisting on 'sweet Bejibies'..which thank God was not a name we settled for. In the end, Devon saved us with 'Midnight Revolution', pretty cool name...though I don't know if there's a meaning to it. Perhaps it has something to do with RYM & practicing till midnight? lol. Well, it's definitely better than 'Sweet Bejibies'.:P

Performance day came and we didn't suck too bad...lol. My parents were pretty syched that I was actually stepping up and doing something I normally wouldn't. In their own, weird way..I'm grateful and touched by their support. I must say, I have really awesome friends..they calmed my fears and cheered us on. Not too mention their families too. I'm very touched.

I've attached the vids courtesy of Devon below. This is another thing I wouldn't usually do and trust me, i tried to talk myself out of this. But I think this is the best place to share my work, with people who care about me the most. Just note that, I cringed every time I heard my voice....it was shaky, pitchy and yes..I played way too fast..lol.


3.09, Did you notice the look Devon & Alan gave each other! I wonder what they were thinking.. *Slaps self for not smiling at all!*






Think it's about time I put myself out there. I hope that was a little entertaining. Thanks for listening. Muaxx. Forehead, CSD & chayang..next performance is ours!

Going the distance

Been awhile since I paid a visit to the cinema. In truth there haven't been any good shows worth watching after 'Inception' (*reminds self to get the DVD). So for the fun of it, I decided to give in and watch 'Going the distance' (after constant ranting from my sis).

The chick-flick come romance comedy proved to be not bad after all. It didn't hurt that Justin Long was acting in it and I do love geeky, smart, funny guys..How can you not love a guy clad in converse & checks...ahhh.
I should probably mention if you didn't already know, the movie revolves around a long distance relationship and all that fuss that comes with it. Seems like an all too familiar situation for me.

One thing's for sure, long distance relationships are never easy. You spend a lot on phone bills, traveling costs and not to mention have to adjust accordingly to the time difference. But most importantly, you spend most of the time apart missing one another instead of building on that relationship.

From time to time you get that rare opportunity to be together, spend those few days in each others company. That time together is both wonderful whereas on the other hand it leaves you anxious. Perhaps, it's just me but meeting someone you love after a long time apart leaves you wondering whether either one of you have changed from the last time you met. Whether things will just fall back to place like no one ever left the other. For a person who over thinks everything, I guess I thought about it a lot.

But more than missing your other half, or having to spend a good amount of money just to keep the relationship going..having to say goodbye over and over again is what hurts the most. Knowing that neither one of you can stay with the other indefinitely is frustrating. You meet this great person, spend a short time together then have to be prepared to let them go again and again.

In the end, is it worth it? Truthfully, I can't say. I guess it really depends on the individual and on the relationship itself. But perhaps what I can attest to is never to begin a relationship being separated from each other. That is no way to start a foundation.

Long distance relationships aside, the movie was really good. Kept me laughing and kept my friends teary-eyed (not to mention tightly snugged to their other halfs). Did I mention I was yet again 'tianged'...the gf left me to hang out with some guy..pfff. I dare say, I kept my eyes focused on the screen and the screen alone..if you know what I mean..hehe.

Hey there, stranger...

I've missed you. I've got so much to say, so much to put down in words but where do I start? I guess I should start apologizing for the lack in postings or the fact that I've abandoned you for months. Guess blogging took a backseat while a new stage of my life began.

I started blogging awhile ago, amidst friends telling me otherwise, not because I wanted the world to know the 'going ons' in my life but simply for my own viewing pleasure. It's perhaps an assurance that I have my life under control, everything is detailed accordingly, memories are remembered. I guess the lack of postings just shows how much I've let life take control of me.

The past few months have been quite eventful and for the first time in my 22 years of living, they passed by way too fast. Actually everyday seems that way right now. Time is the essence I'm always trying to prolong but sadly it never seems on my side.

College has far ended and it has been four months that I've been Karen Pasqual, Account Executive. Though, I'm grateful for the opportunity given but I must admit the job hasn't really sinked in just yet. It just seems surreal to wake up each day and have to get ready for another day of work. It's such a change from being a student and all the freedom that comes from being one. And boy do I miss that...

So what has the working world taught me? Well firstly, its really a doggie-dog world. People are generally only looking out for themselves and I don't blame them. Any smart person would do that. You meet all sorts of people. Some nice, helpful even. Some fake and inconsiderate. One thing's for sure, as a newbie, most get the idea that they can treat you however they like to because of their superiority or perhaps seniority in the industry. Its sad..but that's the truth.

During this past four months, I think I've never turned to God as much as I do now. My prayer is always the same."God, Help me...Help me get through today..or Help me see You in everyone I meet". He's a constant assurance that someone is always there for me, unconditionally. And that's what I need now...stability.

Being a Catholic or even a Christian in today's world is such a challenge. Especially when the industry requires you to do things that go against the religion. Sometimes I wonder why You put us here. Why submit us to these meaningless rules the world upholds? After all we're just passerbys on earth. We're all going to die someday... and yet we have to succumb to worldly things, whether we like it or not.

To friends, whom I haven't spoken to in what seems like ages. I'm so sorry. I've hardly forgotten any of you but rather I'm trying my best to keep you close if not closer. Most of all, I've missed you and I hope you know that too.

Sigh...Let's hope I get a hold on life and there will be more postings yet to come..*fingers crossed*

Karebear

Just a silly piece of paper...

A day is alike a piece of paper. No, not those fancy ones with glittery sides or fancy detailing but rather a simple parchment from any blue-lined notebook.

As morning starts, the piece of paper is white and clean. You straighten out any bends at its sides and brush aside any debris on it. It's new, simple..non-complicated, full of hope.

As the day goes forward, you note down simple details all in while preserving the paper's almost perfect look. Each note is written neatly, numbered accordingly. Once done, you stand back and admire the effort put into detailing. You feel safe, secure..stable, like the world is yours for the taking.

The evening brings with it changes and suddenly the notes made seem irrelevant,plans and aspirations made seem unachievable. Little crosses and scribbles are made. A splash of red and blue ink spreads all over the once pure parchment.

You cancel out prior details made and add on new detail after detail. No longer does the paper look neat and tidy, white and new. Pen marks are clearly visible, messy handwriting and doodles start to appear.

The paper now looks bent and the white spaces are barely apparent to the now ink-filled paper. It holds no structure, no order. Now the crippled document holds no purpose but rather is filled with confusion and complication. It finds no need, nothing to look forward to..nothing to hope for...

As the day dies, so does the silly blue-lined parchment as it finds rest, crumpled and torn in the dustbin; never to be used again.