Its always been YOU...

I don't know how you do it. How you can take this broken down self of mine and make me feel whole again. How you make the simplest things touch me and heal me again and again. So, thank you. Thank you for making me feel worthy to stand in your midst. For always giving me a reason to live when the world gives me none. And for the times I feel defeated, you give me the strengh to touch someone elses' heart. Thank you my Lord, my Lover & Friend...

sore and physically defeated but so in-love with YOU...

Never easy being the enemy...

I'm so tired. So exhausted that my eyes look teary and swollen like I've been crying the whole day. I should probably think of bed and trust me thats' what my body is telling me. But my mind just won't have it. I may be physically drained but emotionally I'm on a mission. " I will not sleep until I have this out of my chest".

I wonder why people do the things they do. Maybe I should re-word that. Why do people who supposedly care for you, love you or take you as their friend, do the things they do.

It's something I can never understand. How someone can belittle another person or say or do things just to spite the other. All the while, supposedly 'being friends'. Theres' a saying that a person belittles another just so they can feel whole. Well maybe that could be it, but wheres' your conscience in that, if you know it's a friend you're hurting? Or perhaps you weren't a friend to begin with?

It's this little dilemmas that make me hate growing up. I still don't understand how enemies can emerge like mushrooms after a rain shower especially when all you ever did was care for the other. What makes you an enemy then? because things didn't go their way, because they expected more? I'm still trying to figure that out.

I've never been outspoken or extraordinary. In most groups, I would gladly just fade into the background. I don't expect to be treated special or even be the main attention of the group. All I ever want is to enjoy the company of the people around me. Try to be as best of a friend as I can be. Some probably think I sound like a fake. Boo hoo...it's my freakin blog!!!!

God, how do I be the grown up in this situation when all I want is to have none of this. How do I put up with this any longer? All I want to do is leave this part of my life, walk away and act as if it never existed. But how can I? Doing so would only hurt friends of whom have been nothing but good to me.

So what do I do instead? I give you a smile, say its nice to see you. And even after you hurt me, i say take care, see you soon. All the while, I'm hoping I save no grudges against you or that I don't sound unsincere in my words. I act the fool, as if I am so stupid, or slow to catch or know what you're doing to me. God only knows how much longer I can take your crap!

A little photo update...

Was itching to do some painting so I jumped at the chance to design a poster for dad's BEC thingy. Basically, the task was to design a poster that reflected on the BEC community of my area. So this is what i came up with. The effect isnt as nice since it was done on manila cardboard. Had no choice since I was stuck in Kedah and my parents were too lazy to drive to a proper art store..:(.

Yes, I know I forgot to draw the lines on the palm!:s

Rationale:

The big heart basically represents the whole community and it is thus made of many individuals; smaller hearts. The hands lifting or holding it up represents God.

As individuals we may be different and unique in our own ways but in a community we beat as one heart with God as our guide.

I'm merely a puppet....

Listening to: Zee Avi - First of the gang

If I was a puppet held by thin, invisible strings, I wonder who my master would be. I refuse to believe it is You. You wouldn't leave me troubled, nor make life seem so unmanagable till I feel pushed to the edge. You wouldnt forsake me...

God, where am I? Where am I heading to? I feel so disconnected, so unbound like gravity has no effect on me and I'm floating endlessly. I search for stability within me but all I'm left with are these unanswered questions.

Everthing feels like a blurr; days, months, faces, places. I'm merely a stranger looking into a life thats' not mine. Sleepless nights are to be blamed for this I guess (I hope...).

How am I to be there for you when I'm in a mess myself? How am I to wear this smile when all I feel is the opposite? How am I suppose to be the shoulder you cry on when I'm aching on the inside? I've never been much of a friend. Never had the right words to say nor knew how to comfort you if ever you reached out for me. Neither am I calm and collected as how I would seem. On the inside, I'm panicked stricken and doubtful.. I'm a walking catastrophe....

Do you have enough love for the both of us?

Let me, let go...

I wanna let go. Trust me I do..I hate these thoughts, distractions, imaginations I have. I just gotta stop telling myself that and actually do it! God help me stop...if only...sigh*

'Lie to self'?

Two public holidays, 25 staff members and 15 days equals 3 weeks of my life as an intern. I'd like to think those 15 days have passed by effortlessly. I'd like to say I've enjoyed every bit of it but then I would be lying. I wish I could say things are starting to look up but honestly I'm scared to say even that. Good days at work never do stay long. They vanish as soon as a smile shows on my face. So what am I left to do? Persevere...Promise myself days will pass and the next day would be a better one. Or in the words of Jerrie, 'lie to self'...LOL

Christmas draws near and I pray I have renewed hope to receive Christ this year. As much as I want to look forward to this festive season, I just don't feel all that cheery nor excited. I hate myself for that. I should be passing the Christmas cheer around and await His coming and yet this is the time when my spirit is at a low. Lets hope this phase passes soon.

One thing interning has done to me is miss my friends owh so much! I miss Sundays with my girls, Fridays with the RYM peeps and not forgetting spending late nights chatting with my close friends. I just miss the social life I had, even tho it wasnt much to begin with.

I miss having time to myself; being alone at home. Working means having a dozen people who don't necessarily know you or even like you for that matter, around you. I must admit I feel most alone at work even with the dozen around me. Im an outsider to them as they are strangers to me. Having them speak in a language I cant converse in doesn't help either. I just hope I persevere long enough to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Drastic changes...

It's strange how drastic life can change, one day you're on holiday; bored out of your mind, and the next day you're so busy working you wish you were back home snuggled up in bed. I guess that's the working life. You wake up early (or after several attempts at snoozing), think of what to wear or what to pack for lunch, then dash off to work.

At work, time seems like the enemy. It moves ever so slowly that you'd think you're never gonna get home. Once you eventually do, you wish the day would never end or that time would stand still. You try to hold on to every minute, try to make the most of it and push out the very thought of going back to work the very next day. It seems like a never ending cycle of torture..Well, it almost is...