Just maybe...

Thank you for taking this dormant heart on an adventure. She's slowly beginning to believe that she might actually matter.

Thank you.

Missing you terribly...

Read your letter today.

Told myself not to get emotional but I guess it's inevitable. Damn it. I'm so utterly worried. I wish I could be superman (or supergirl) for a day and rescue you if ever you needed an escape.

It's heartening to know that amidst everything you're going through, you still take the time to ask about the very things that I struggle with currently. I guess with you, I never had to utter a word, you know me so well. I miss you so much right now.

I guess distance really does things to people. It made me realise just how much I depend on you and need you. Also how you were always there for me. It made me question if I ever was that for you. Looking back, I doubt I gave enough and I'm so sorry for this.

I keep a picture close to serve as a reminder that we're all very much together regardless the distance, the troubles and uncertain future ahead of us. And it believe it or not, it helps me get through the day a little bit more.

I love you sayang & missing you terribly...

karebear

Giving up...

It's funny how I've never been good enough..even after all these years. I hate myself for trying so hard. Now, I just give up.

p.s. a picture isn't gonna make you any more proud of me. So let's just quit being fake.

Broken...

It's funny how I thought about you just moments ago amidst the hectic schedules, the numerous expectations..with the plectrum in hand. Other than your friendship, I guess I've never told you how grateful I am for this small but significant gift. In many ways, I am completely dependable upon this tiny object though how silly it may sound. I think about the numerous occasions where I've almost lost it, left it behind, lent it and after all this years I still have it very much intact. I think most importantly, it's the remnants of what became of us and how much you used to care - that you believed in my talent way before I even did.

This post, by far seems out of place with my lack of writing and the abandoned state of my blog but really even if I explained the recent events of my life...would you believe me? Sometimes I look back and think, "Is this really happening?". Life just seems so surreal and very much out of my controlling power. I wonder what you would think of me now if you only knew...and I try imagine how you've been all this while and the person you've grown into. But most importantly, I hope your content with life and that it has treated you well.

I hold the plectrum in hand now, as I type these words. I shudder at the thought that I'll never use it again and I'll never have you in mind or feel the same ounce of confidence that little object some how transferred unto me. That's pretty much me being all desperate and very much exaggerating...but yeah, I guess that's how I feel. Perhaps it's a sign that I really have to put this behind for the sake of the both of us.

I think back and even to this day, I think you never truly understood the person that I am. I try to hide my disappointment but I guess I can't blame you for thinking of me so. I wasn't that girl then, and I'm not that girl now...that much hasn't change. I wish you knew that. I had my reasons for my actions and no, I didn't do it because of anyone else.

If I could have one thing back, I yearn for our friendship. More than anything, more that the relationship, more that the distance, that simple F word that you hate, meant the most to me. It's a shame that after all these years, it's the one thing we've withheld from each other. I think we only have ourselves to blame.

Sure you may think regret has got the best of me, or perhaps I'm getting what I deserve but I had reasons for my actions, that much I don't regret. I guess what I really wanted to say is that I miss you..and albeit my silence and non-existence, I've always cared. And though it may be hard for you to accept this, but the one thing I truly fell in love with is our friendship; the late night chats, the silly messages, the lame jokes, the annoying teasing...and just how much we relied on these simplistic gifts to get us through the mess called life.

I'm sorry for the late posting...I wonder if you noticed

Of letting go & moving on...

Saw my long, over-the-bra length hair one last time before heading off to the hairdressers. Guess my mind already knew I was getting a few inches off my hair, the next time I take a look at it in the mirror.

Not many people know how troubled I get every time I cut my hair even to the extend of tearing when the hairdresser gets a little too scissor-friendly. Perhaps, it's one of the numerous weird antics I have. But then again, everyone's weird..one way or the other...I'm just pretty obvious most of the time..:s

Small talk aside, I guess even a small, insignificant thing like a hair cut needs some getting used to. But more importantly, whether we like it or not, or perhaps whether we accept it or despise it, sometimes we are left with no choice but to move on. Some things are just out of our control.

I guess I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with how things have turned out, even more so as 2010 comes to a close. Some of which seemed simple, uncomplicated before have clearly turned into the complete opposite. Letting go seems like the only option now. I find myself questioning these circumstances, refusing to give in to the reality. Guess, I'm only fooling myself.

With Christmas close at hand, I hope these next few days away from work and home gives me time to clear my head and make the right decisions. But most of all, help me come to terms with the mess that is year 2010.

So here's me wishing everyone a blessed and joyous Christmas. I hope you'll let Christ find a home in your hearts this 25th.

Btw, presents are more than welcome..Thank you in advance. Muaxx:)

PS: RYMers are having a Christmas party. If you're free on the 26, give Alan a call and come join in the fun!

Acceptance...

I wonder if anyone else shares this same feeling I get every time I'm back from a church camp. This beaming, 'nothing can bring me down' feeling. It's as if your defenses are at its highest. If I were a spaceship, you could say my shields would be impenetrable, my force fields would be so strong that radiation from the sun, cosmic rays or even the typical black hole would be nothing compared to it. But of course, I would have to be in Star Trek in order for this to be possible...hehe.

I guess what I'm saying is camps have this profound effect on me. You spend the weekend away from the world, away from worries, away from your routine life. It's amazing how being away from life makes all the difference. How suddenly life seems manageable, how problems you thought were big seem insignificant and small and how much more in tune you are with yourself.

I've been to so many camps in the past...I guess I should rephrase that..I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity. There's always something different that I take back from each. This time I guess camp opened my eyes to struggles I carried but of which I never took time to acknowledge. Perhaps in my eyes I saw them as insignificant or rather I thought ignoring them would help make the burden lighter. I guess that didn't work.

I would normally just brush them aside. In my eyes, how can someone who has no severe health problems, no deformities, no huge family issues, financially stable, normal in most ways call this little worries - problems. I look at Nick Vujicic and I tear wondering what the hell is wrong with me. He may be disabled, incapable of so many things but as a person he is so much more capable, perhaps even more whole than I am. I admire his confidence and his joy for life.

I guess the most significant struggle I face is acceptance. Accepting ones self. It's probably one I've been struggling with for almost as long as I can remember. Gosh, this blog is getting too personal..hehe. It's funny but sometimes I pray to be normal just like everyone else. Perhaps have an average sense of confidence, or even act like most others or may be not stumble in my words every now and then. I feel silly now looking back. What is normal anyways?

Camp enlightened me to my own faults but mostly the thought of 'Am I doing enough?'. This is not one of those,"What am I leaving behind in this world?" or "Owh, what would people say about me when I'm dead?". No, no..hehe. I would be happy to die without a eulogy. I'm glad my family doesn't practice it. But I guess it's a personal thought.

Am I doing enough as a child?
Do I appreciate my family enough? Have I let my parents down?
Am I doing enough for my friends?
Do I genuinely care? Have I been there for them?
Am I doing enough at work?
Have I put in enough effort? Have I put in any thought to moving forward in work?
Am I putting in enough in my faith?
Have I really put my whole body and soul to search for God? Do I really know my faith well? or do I wait for others to question me and tear me down when I can't stand up for it?

Am I doing enough in life? Am I?

No. Disappointing much but true. I don't really know where to start in mending all these areas. I don't even know if I can. I guess the first step is accepting me. I know I'm going to most definitely fail..but for You, I'll try. I'll try.

Failure is not important, how you overcome it is...
Nick Vujicic

Where do we go from here....

Listening to: The Scientist - Coldplay

Left the blog vacant for a bit..again. Sigh, I guess life really takes a toll on you. I guess I can't say I haven't had much time in front of the computer, but rather I've had plenty. I can't also say I've been busy with work because lately work has been treating me well. The only excuse I can put together is that I've been so utterly lazy. Then again who isn't.

I recently watched an episode of One Tree Hill..Yes, the show is still on for the eight season. Episode 8.08 kinda put this question to me, "What comes next?". And it seriously got me thinking..Shit, I don't have an answer to that.

I'm past being a teenager, I'm done with my studies, I've got a job..so what comes next? Where am I heading towards? Where do I see myself in the future? I guess it's not surprising that I don't have the answer to either one of these questions.

I've heard so many comments from friends, lamenting about how hard studying is, how stressful assignments can get, how exams are just about the worst thing one can go through..but I can't help but be envious. I might sound silly, but I like being a student. I like knowing that I've got time to figure things out. That I can work harder the next time, or do things differently every time I fail.

I guess when you're out there in the world, life hardly gives you second chances or perhaps 'trial rounds'. You are judged as soon as you make the tiniest of mistakes or if you don't perform up to the given standard. And somehow your failure will be what most will expect of you in the future. It's scary and nerve-recking all at the same time.

Same goes for relationships. At first everything looks hopeful, things are simple and uncomplicated but after awhile the honeymoon is over and the real relationship surfaces - the problems of dealing with one another, tolerating each others' wants and needs, coming to terms with decisions each one has made...coping with regrets and past actions. Before you know it your view of your partner changes and vice versa. At first you don't notice this but sooner or later, changes become evident. Suddenly you find yourself hating qualities you first fell in love with in that person. It's sad but so true.

So what comes next?
What comes next when you don't see a future?
What comes next if you've discovered the limit to your talent?
What comes next when you have to move on and let him go?
What comes next when relationships, when friendship isn't fulfilling?

What is your next move? I guess we fickle-minded, complicated mortals just have to move on. Pick ourselves up and just hope for the best. That what ever choice we should decide to make will eventually lead to a better, more secure outcome. That what ever relationships we let go of, will eventually lead to newer and closer ties with others. That what ever love we lose, we earn back..stronger and lasting. Well that's what I hope for as November comes to an end and I have one more month left before 2010 closes on me. And I hope for my sake, I find the answers to these questions...