Let me, let go...

I wanna let go. Trust me I do..I hate these thoughts, distractions, imaginations I have. I just gotta stop telling myself that and actually do it! God help me stop...if only...sigh*

'Lie to self'?

Two public holidays, 25 staff members and 15 days equals 3 weeks of my life as an intern. I'd like to think those 15 days have passed by effortlessly. I'd like to say I've enjoyed every bit of it but then I would be lying. I wish I could say things are starting to look up but honestly I'm scared to say even that. Good days at work never do stay long. They vanish as soon as a smile shows on my face. So what am I left to do? Persevere...Promise myself days will pass and the next day would be a better one. Or in the words of Jerrie, 'lie to self'...LOL

Christmas draws near and I pray I have renewed hope to receive Christ this year. As much as I want to look forward to this festive season, I just don't feel all that cheery nor excited. I hate myself for that. I should be passing the Christmas cheer around and await His coming and yet this is the time when my spirit is at a low. Lets hope this phase passes soon.

One thing interning has done to me is miss my friends owh so much! I miss Sundays with my girls, Fridays with the RYM peeps and not forgetting spending late nights chatting with my close friends. I just miss the social life I had, even tho it wasnt much to begin with.

I miss having time to myself; being alone at home. Working means having a dozen people who don't necessarily know you or even like you for that matter, around you. I must admit I feel most alone at work even with the dozen around me. Im an outsider to them as they are strangers to me. Having them speak in a language I cant converse in doesn't help either. I just hope I persevere long enough to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Drastic changes...

It's strange how drastic life can change, one day you're on holiday; bored out of your mind, and the next day you're so busy working you wish you were back home snuggled up in bed. I guess that's the working life. You wake up early (or after several attempts at snoozing), think of what to wear or what to pack for lunch, then dash off to work.

At work, time seems like the enemy. It moves ever so slowly that you'd think you're never gonna get home. Once you eventually do, you wish the day would never end or that time would stand still. You try to hold on to every minute, try to make the most of it and push out the very thought of going back to work the very next day. It seems like a never ending cycle of torture..Well, it almost is...

Dying, slowly but surely

I wonder wheres' my youth gone to? Where my child-like joy has vanished? Year by year I feel it slipping from me and now i'm my worst self; sad, lonely, numb, restless, in tears... I stare at these four walls surrounding me. They edge out like claws; big, monstrous - reaching out, grabbing the very life out of me. The computer screen stares back at me, filled with jargons and data my mind does not know how to decipher. I try to scream but no sound leaves my lips but yet I hear them ringing for they fill every inch of me. People around me go about their very existence, but no ones hears my screams. The screams I so cleverly hide. The irony of it is theres' no where to escape. I'm alone in this...

In a mess...

I finally passed up my huge 3,500 word final assignment. I don't know what I wrote or if I even answered the question. I just stopped thinking after reaching the 2,000 marker. Somehow I thought I would feel relieved to finally pass it up, be done with classes and finally leave college for good...but I have to agree with Jacqkie, I wasn't and I still don't know why. I don't know why I feel this unsettleness like I'm in this huge mess just like how my room has been this past few weeks. I wonder if cleaning it up would help..LOL.

Maybe I'm just overthinking like how I always do now with internship close by. I'm forced to think about my future, whether to work or pursue further studies. Owh how I wish I could run away from all this, just escape my future for a while but I know I would be foolish to do so. Once again, I feel so lost. I wish things were easier, choices were easier to make and my judgement wouldnt be so clouded with doubt. I feel like I'm on this pedestal with expectations and hopes of others riding on my shoulders. I just wish everyone would stop expecting anything from me and just accept the choices i make. Sigh...

This time you're wrong!

I can't believe just hours ago I was filled with emotions; anger, frustration, sadness...Yet I was numb, forced to succumb to your words. Helpless and teary eyed. What did I do to deserve this? What did we all do to deserve this? Our only crime is that we care too much, that we loved another. We didnt choose this and surely we never encouraged this! Though I may be boiling with anger as I find the best way to express my unsettleness..my sadness is overarching. Of all people, I expect you to know me best, you who I've spent my life with..but you always let me down, always. Honestly, how naive do you think I am? I'm not some stupid slut, I can differentiate between right and wrong. All of us can. I hate it when you talk down to me, especially when this is not my fault. I hate the fact that you guys think it alright to do that to me. Who ever gave you the right? Just because you have the authority? FU! Worst still, you never even tried to understand, let alone hear me out. I guess you feel contented making me feel bad, knowing that you let out all you're frustration on me. You make me sick. You're only making this worse. I just pray that she has the strengh to do what she has to. God knows the hell shes' going through. One thing I'm glad about is that we are somehow in this together. We have each other and thats how it always will be. We are each others stronghold, with God as our guide. I pray and hope that this only makes us stronger and draws us closer.

Wrong seems so right....

Is it wrong for me to want something I shouldn't?
Why am I playing by the rules when no one is?
Why can't I be the bad influence for once?

Is it wrong, if I said I miss you?
And sometimes I cant help but think of the times we had?
Would that make me downright selfish?
Wanting you when I know I shouldn't...

Call me fickle, unrealistic...
I probably am all those,
I never know what I want,
I probably think too much to allow myself to want all the same things you do.

I'm never gonna be that ideal girl,
Someday you'll just have to accept it.